Maybe it’s answering a question in class.
Going to a birthday party.
Sleeping away from home.
For many children, situations like these can trigger anxiety. And when that happens, a very natural pattern often begins: avoidance.
A child might say they feel sick before school.
They may refuse to go to the party.
They might insist they can’t sleep anywhere except their own bed.
When the child avoids the situation, something important happens: their anxiety quickly drops.
From the child’s perspective, this feels like proof that avoiding was the right choice. The relief is immediate. The uncomfortable feeling disappears. Everything feels safer again.
But the brain is also learning something in that moment.
It quietly stores the message:
“That situation must have been dangerous.”
Because if leaving made the anxiety go away, the brain assumes the situation itself was the threat.
The next time the child faces something similar, the anxiety often returns — sometimes even stronger than before. And gradually the list of avoided situations can grow.
First it might be answering questions in class.
Then group work.
Then birthday parties.
Then school trips.
Eventually it can start to affect friendships, school experiences, and confidence.
Another pattern that often appears alongside avoidance is reassurance seeking.
Children might repeatedly ask questions like:
“Will I be okay?”
“What if something bad happens?”
“Are you sure it will be fine?”
“Promise you’ll pick me up early?”
Parents naturally want to comfort their child, and offering reassurance can feel like the right thing to do. In the moment it often works — the child feels calmer.
But similar to avoidance, repeated reassurance can accidentally keep anxiety going.
The brain begins to learn:
“I can only cope if someone reassures me.”
Over time, the child may need more and more reassurance to feel safe.
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we approach this differently.
Rather than helping children avoid anxiety, we help them face fears gradually, in small manageable steps.
This might look like:
- Answering a question in class once this week
- Staying at a birthday party for 30 minutes
- Sleeping at a friend’s house for part of the evening before being collected
These steps are planned carefully so they feel challenging but achievable.
At the same time, we also gently reduce reassurance seeking. Instead of repeatedly answering anxious questions, parents can guide children to think about how they might cope.
For example:
Instead of saying “Nothing will go wrong,”
a parent might say:
“What could you do if you started to feel nervous?”
This helps the child begin to trust their own ability to handle situations.
The goal of CBT isn’t to remove anxiety completely. Anxiety is a normal human emotion and everyone experiences it at times.
The real goal is something much more powerful:
Helping children discover,
“I can handle this.”
Each small step teaches the brain a new message:
“Maybe this situation isn’t actually dangerous.”
“Maybe I can cope.”
Over time those small steps add up. Confidence grows. Situations that once felt overwhelming start to feel manageable.
And children begin to see themselves differently — not as someone who has to avoid anxiety, but as someone who can face it and get through it.
Jimmy Williams, Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy 